There are so many different Christians and “brands” of Christianity out there. But my Christianity is deeply personal to me and I definitely have a lot to say about it. And if you’re here, I’m guessing your curious about it. So, I will share a lot of what I would never share in someone else’s space (Unless they asked me about it!). So, here goes:
Firstly, again, I really don’t want to seem like I am proselytizing people by talking about Jesus. I also worry about alienating people. And as a writer, I have really just wanted to write things which people can meaningfully connect with even if they don’t share my love for Jesus. But I just can’t authentically present myself without being transparent about the role Jesus has in my life. So please allow me to share a little of my heart and soul here… while communicating that I definitely do not think any less of anyone for not having the same views as me. And I also understand my experience of Jesus will seem very weird to anyone who hasn’t had one. We all have our own unique path to forge through life… and we all come from different life experiences and have different compositions of our souls… so please let me just share a little of mine so that I can be real and authentic with you.
And since I’ve already been un-friended on Facebook in the past for writing about Jesus, I’m just going to be up front and say: when I write, there will be Jesus. There is just no authentic way around that.
That being said, I don’t want to distance myself from other Christians or diminish them, but in order to understand me as a Christian I feel I need to say that I don’t identify with mainstream Christianity, cultural Christianity, political Christianity, progressive Christianity, institutional Christianity, etc. I’m not exactly sure why I have never quite resonated with any of those aspects of Christianity, but I suspect that it is simply because my relationship with Jesus is so personal that it doesn’t fit into any of these frameworks. And it only makes sense to me that Jesus transcends culture, politics, and institutions. That’s kind of the definition of being God anyway 🙂
So before you decide who I am and what I’m about based on your understanding of Christianity, I’d like to share my understanding and experience of it so you can at least reject me for what I truly think and believe 🙂
A Little Bit About Me and Jesus
For some people, Christianity is a merely cultural thing: they were simply “raised” Christian. But for me, I started “following Christ” because of a personal conviction. Indeed, I wasn’t “raised Christian” and I didn’t “grow up Christian” (And again, not to criticize those who were, just to use a distinction to explain myself.). I did have Christian parents, but I was raised to understand that I had to make my own decisions in life and should think for myself. Yet I “came to Jesus” of my own volition at a very young age.
Indeed, I decided to follow Jesus when I was 3. Or 4. Or 5. I can’t quite remember. I just know it’s in the banks of my earliest memories: me sitting in an empty Sunday school room on one of those tiny acrylic Sunday school chairs– dark blue in my head at least– and I am utterly convicted not just that Jesus is real, but that there is nothing in all of existence that is as good and true and beautiful as him… and it hits my heart that he loves me more than I could ever dream of being loved and so I want to love him too… I want to give my life to him… to something that good and true and beautiful. And I want him to make me as good as I can be too… I want him to make me like him and help me be a part of the healing and goodness he brings to the world. And so, in that Sunday School room all alone, I accepted Jesus’ love in my heart and decided to love him too, and so to “follow Jesus”.
I know. It’s weird. It’s definitely a “had to be there” moment… but perhaps what is weirder still is how many people have had the same sort of conviction of Jesus’ love as I have. Indeed, I’ve read and heard so many of people’s stories where they had not just that conviction of the reality of Jesus… but that conviction of his love as well– overwhelmed with a sense of a love that is so complete and so healing and more beautiful than anything you could ever imagine.
So I followed Jesus. And found him everything he claimed to be.
Many people think Christianity is about blind faith. But that is not really in the Bible. God said to taste and see that he was good and that you will know a tree by it’s fruit. And I have found the fruit of trusting and following Jesus to be so good in my life. Indeed, Jesus said, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” And I cannot tell you how many times Jesus has lifted my burdens (Indeed, this is why some people think I am so carefree– when they catch me at the right time in life ;). And Jesus said, “I am the bread of life. All who come to me will never hunger.” And I have found that to be so true when I take my aching soul hunger to him. As Jesus just loves like nobody’s business in a way which just fills the soul. And he heals: he binds up the broken hearted and he rises with healing in his wings. He is near to the broken. He brings comfort to the lonely. He is a father to the fatherless. He is faithful when we are faithless. He breaks chains and lifts burdens and gives freedom. And he is shalom: he brings wholeness. And I would follow Jesus if there were no afterlife, because knowing him in his goodness is a reward in himself and brings so much love and light to my life. And as St. Augustine says: our hearts are restless until we rest in thee. And in Jesus, I find my rest.
So… I’m kind of into Jesus. As I have followed him and found all those things to be true. They aren’t just words to me: they’re a reality. And indeed, Jesus fills the empty spaces in my soul: I feel so much wholeness and peace and satisfaction in following Jesus. Truly, I have found nothing in life as beautiful and good and true and faithful as Jesus. And following him with my whole heart– by seeking to know him through prayer and practicing the road he prescribed of love, trust, forgiveness, confession, gratitude, praise, non-judgmentalism, generosity, and authenticity from the heart — has filled that same heart of mine with love and joy and peace and light and goodness as I live in the reality of Jesus’ love for me. Indeed, “knowing Jesus” (Experiencing him and his love as a reality in my life) fills my heart and life with love and joy and peace and wholeness. I can’t recommend Him enough. Just to be honest and real here.
Because at the same time, I would never try to convert someone. We all need to walk out our own paths and follow the convictions of our own hearts. And I don’t even believe I can “convert someone” as I think the only thing that can truly bring someone to Jesus, is Jesus. It’s the exact same scenario that happened with me: Jesus calls your heart, and your answer. What have I to do with that? (To explain myself to Christians who are concerned that Jesus gave the great commission to go “make disciples in all the land”: I think a “disciple” is different than a “convert”. A disciple can only be made from someone who has already converted. Discipling is helping someone learn the ways of Jesus. Someone may “convert” when they hear you speak of Jesus, but it is God meeting their heart which causes that to happen. Perhaps a subtle, but I think important distinction.).
Along those lines, how in the world can I judge and condemn someone for not having faith in Jesus when they’ve never had an experience or conviction of him? Here’s the thing: if you’ve never had a personal encounter with Jesus and a revelation of his love, I absolutely do not expect you to be a Christian or to even make sense of Christianity. Even if you were “raised Christian”. And I do expect you to have made sense of your life based on the experiences you have had.
Anyhow, I won’t try to convert you or anyone. Especially because I don’t believe I can. But I will share a life tip from my own experience: if you find something good and wonderful and beautiful and true, live for that thing. Nothing is more worthwhile. Indeed, some people search their whole lives for something good to believe in… and I found that thing when I was 3(or 4? or 5?). Pledging my sacred honor like a medieval toddler knight to a liege more worthy than anything in existence. And sealing my fate as an oddity among mankind quite early in life 🙂
As following Jesus from a young age definitely impacted my life. Though I really feel that “Christianity” only fully works and is what Jesus intended it to be if you engage with Jesus on the level of your heart: following Christ is not an intellectual proposition, but a proposition of the heart. It’s an invitation to let the love of Jesus into your heart by trusting him. And when you accept Jesus’ love for you, you experience how Jesus loves us in such a true way. Infatuation is blind, but true love like Jesus offers looks– not just past all our faults– but rather looks right at our faults and loves us– not in spite of those faults– but in the face of them. That’s how Jesus loves. Jesus has so much love for the world… and in an understanding of Jesus’ love, you were created as precious and not as an accident and you are wanted and chosen and fought for and protected and of priceless worth.
And indeed, as a child I absolutely did engage with Jesus on the level of my heart. Accepting his love and who he is in my heart is absolutely how I “came to Jesus”. And in following Jesus from my heart, I work out all of the darkness in my heart with him. That’s what my walk with Christ has been: from an early age I followed Jesus from the depths of my heart and came to Jesus on the daily, with my heart in my hands sharing with him any of the darkness I found there. And I did (and do) find darkness, such as the darkness of un-forgiveness festering in deep wounds… and the darkness of loneliness… and the darkness of fear… and I work out that darkness by addressing it with the love of Jesus and by trying to live as he advised.
And the things Jesus said to do were to love God and love other people. He said not to judge. He said to be thankful. He said to forgive. He said to take care of the poor and needy. He said to bring all my burdens to him. He said not to envy but to come to him for fulfillment. He said to be real and authentic. He said to be good from your heart.
Since I became a Christian at such a young age and from my own personal conviction, I followed Jesus with so much childlike earnestness.
So, I took Jesus pretty seriously when I learned in the Bible that he taught to forgive. So I grew up forgiving people rather than holding grudges. It did sometimes take a lot of prayer and poetry and tears, but I always let the light of love and forgiveness flood out the darkness of my un-forgiveness. That has left my heart so unburdened.
And I took Jesus seriously when he taught me that I was created by God as a unique individual and was loved as I truly am and that God took care of all my needs. So I did not grow up comparing myself to other people or being envious of them, who they were or what they had. I knew God would always work my life out in the best way possible, if I just let him.
And I took Jesus seriously when he taught me not to judge others, but to understand that we all essentially struggle with the same brokenness, even if this looks quite different in all our different journeys. Jesus taught me to focus on addressing my own issues, rather than condemning others for theirs.
And, as an adult, I’ve finally realized that most people didn’t grow up with Jesus’ love as a reality in their life. They didn’t grow up feeling loved and fought for and chosen and known and accepted by Jesus. They didn’t grow up running to Jesus to work through their wounds and loneliness and anger and resentment. They didn’t grow up being called weird and being awkward and shy… but having this reserve of joy and peace and hope inside them that comes from feeling securely loved despite not seeming to fit in with the world around them. They may not have grown up wanting to be a part of the healing and goodness of the world either… but I did. And I know, besides my own quirks, I’m also weird because of all that. But I’ve loved my life with Jesus.
Indeed, “the Gospel” which Christians go on about is the good news of Jesus. And the good news is that he came to bind the broken hearted, set the prisoner free, give sight to the blind… to comfort the lonely and make all things right…that he came and died and was resurrected in a way which was somehow utterly redemptive…and that he heals and comforts and makes new and redeems through relying on him and trusting him and accepting his love and following his ways. He is so full of grace and forgiveness and love. He heals and redeems and restores. He is the most wonderful thing in all the world— and yet he meets us in the mess of ourselves rather than turning away from us. He accepts EVERYONE who comes to him. But he will also change anyone who comes to him into their truest selves which pain forgot. And there is nothing as beautiful and good in the world as Jesus. And I think this must just sound weird, until it resonates with you as the truth. I know that’s how it was for me. Something inside me just felt convicted that this was true. And now I know Jesus as a healer and a lover of my soul. I know him as a friend who sticks closer than a brother. I know God as my father. And God as my protector. Because I’ve experienced him in all those ways. It is a knowledge of my heart, not my intellect.
That is what struck me from even a young age in trying to follow Jesus: Jesus wanted my heart, not my religion or theology. He didn’t want my “righteousness” or my lip service or my religious acts… he wanted me to love him (“These people come near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me”– Isaiah 29:13). That’s part of what I liked most about him. The parts of the Gospels (the 4 Bible books about Jesus’ life) which most resonated with me even while a quite small child was how Jesus called out the religious leaders of his day as hypocrites. I remember my dad explaining that concept of being an actor wearing a mask… of pretending. And the way Jesus called out those same religious leaders as “whitewashed tombstones” really resonated with me: Jesus wanted authenticity. He didn’t want us to paint over the darkness and death inside ourselves as if it wasn’t there. Indeed, that darkness and death is what he wanted us to bring to him to be redeemed into light and life. Jesus wants to give us life and goodness and light in the very depths of our hearts. At the same time, when God has our hearts, that absolutely results in truly righteous living where one lives in a way which honors God and everyone around them, including oneself.
And I, in part, read the Bible because it reveals my heart to me, and God’s heart too. It challenges what is truly in my heart and teaches me about the nature of God in a way which touches my heart. And I read the Bible for that reason rather than to build a systematic theology. And I don’t read the Bible because it “has all the answers to life”. It gives me wisdom and guidance for life, but I truly believe there are some questions God won’t answer in this life. And that God wants the Bible to brings us to him and an experiential understanding of his love for us that affects our hearts and lives, rather than for us to only go to the Bible. Indeed, the Bible itself doesn’t claim to have all the “answers” to life within itself (In fact, one of my favorite verses talks about how we “only know in part” and see “as though looking into a dimly lit mirror”…) … but rather it points to Jesus as the answer (One of my other favorite verses: “they diligently search the scriptures because they think they have eternal life by them, but the scriptures point to me [Jesus]”). And specifically, the Bible points to “knowing Jesus”… not to knowing the Bible, not to going to church, not to frantically trying to make the world a comfortable place to be a follower of Christ… but to fellowship with God in spirit and in truth and to know the love of Jesus as the means and aim of true life (Though by all means I think it is essential to read and know the Bible to help in this endeavor. I have read the Bible in its entirety multiple times and do some heavy scripture memorization… it’s just important to me that the point in all that is to get to KNOW God better through it, and to apply the truth of what the Bible tells us about God to trusting him in our hearts for who he is, rather than building an intellectual framework we study and look to for comfort, rather than looking to a relationship with God for comfort. Also, I think “the fellowship of believers” is so important and encouraging, but I think too often that organized religion focuses on a man-made “Christian” culture and acceptance and not on God or real and vulnerable fellowship between believers.). I hope you can understand the heart of this criticism and it is not discouraging to any Christian who is already prone to be discouraged in a world which increasingly misunderstands and judges Christians. I wouldn’t raise these points except I want people to understand me in my Christianity and because they are such strong convictions I’ve felt as I’ve tried to follow Jesus in thorough authenticity. From my heart, as the Bible itself prescribed.
Again, my Christianity is very personal– I know it will sound so out of left field to people who don’t know Jesus. But others have experienced Jesus too… and part of my “falling in love with Jesus” was growing up hearing people’s testimonies of how Jesus saved them out of addictions and prison and abuse and all the darkness of the world that you could imagine. And I recognized my Jesus in their stories. That is just so amazing to me.
Anyhow, I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but I really love Jesus. But I also want to say to those who have had traumatic religious experiences: I absolutely see that religion has been exploited and used for oppression, both by institutions and individuals. And I have seen and heard and felt myself, some of the trauma wreaked by individuals in the name of religion. And if that happened to you… I am truly sorry. I myself don’t “go to church”… maybe I will again one day. But I got so struck with the conviction that modern day “church” is not what God intended Christianity to look like (BOTH the conservative and liberal veins… but also, much love to all my Christian friends who DO go to institutional churches!)… and I’ve had trouble going to a conventional church for years now. And part of that conviction came from seeing so many people hurt by the institutional church. So I definitely don’t talk about my love for Jesus to trigger pain, but just because I want to be so real and authentic with you. As indeed, I even thought I could write a cool book about adventuring and living life to the fullest that would inspire people… but I can’t truly write that book leaving out Jesus. I can’t write any of my story that way.
And to just say a little more for the moment as to why I do not go to an institutional church: besides wanting to step outside of the walls which people will not enter because they have been hurt there, I also had just a strong conviction that by and large God wasn’t “in” institutional Christian religion anymore (If he ever was?). This first happened when I was in a church service and the pastor said from the pulpit of a church which was not even liberal or progressive, “the gospel is social justice”. Again, much love to my progressive Christian friends, but the gospel is not ANY man-made concept. The gospel is the good news of JESUS. Getting our physical needs and social needs met will not make us whole and heal our hearts. But knowing Jesus will. How can we teach otherwise? Jesus surely taught us to live with compassion and meet the physical needs of others… but he also taught that there was so much more to life… and that life itself was found in HIM. I mean, there are so many miserable and yet incredibly rich and popular people with so many social advantages. What good news do we have for them if the gospel is social justice rather than the good news of JESUS? And indeed, even Mother Teresa who walked in the trenches of poverty proclaimed, “LONELINESS is the greatest poverty.” We have spiritual needs the material can never meet.
Anyhow, that church experience, along with looking into many other veins of mainstream Christian teaching which I think is amiss (I don’t want to get into all of that right now!), along with the conviction that there is nothing in the Bible which even prescribes the way we go about contemporary church, has left me outside those walls for the time being and perhaps forever. Indeed, I once got together in a living room with around 20-30 Christian friends in college and we just authentically shared Bible verses and songs on our hearts and talked openly about how God was moving in our lives– and I have had few such vulnerable and authentic times among any people, let alone in a “church” service. And we had done that simply because we read how Christians met together in the Bible and thought, why not try it that way instead of using the contemporary church model? And it was so real and authentic and edifying. And I do think God can call people to be within the institutional church structure AND without. God does call people in different ways.
So, I have my personal conviction of Jesus as a reason for following him, as well as witnessing the fruit of following him in my life and seeing that fruit in other people’s lives as well. But I have also always had a bit of an existentialist understanding of why I follow Jesus too, born out of trying to understand the deeper longings in my soul. My existentialist reason for following Jesus is simply this:
We are hungry because we need food.
We are thirsty because we need water.
We long for love and truth and beauty and goodness and belonging and wholeness with such a longing which the world can’t fill, because we need Jesus.
Every hunger has something which meets it.
And lest you are concerned, especially in me coming to Jesus at such a young age, that I have been lost in a self-affirming bias: don’t worry, I was concerned about that too. As I do the best I can to live my life as authentically and examined as possible. I don’t want a faith in Jesus that I have to shelter from logic and reason and dissenters and heretics and life experience. That’s part of why I studied philosophy at a secular university where my faith was ridiculed in the classroom… and why I’ve studied cultism and mind control and manipulation and propaganda. I do indeed want to be a free thinker and to only latch unto what is true (even if the concept of truth itself has a troubling nature :). I’ve done what I can. But we all have confirmation bias. Yet I will say… delving deep into secular philosophy just made Jesus seem all the more beautiful and true. I hope you find something like that in life too, if you haven’t.
Lastly, I know this all must sound very weird to anyone who has never had an experience of Jesus. I’m 100% aware and self-conscious of that. And I do feel like hiding my love for Jesus simply because I don’t think people will understand it and they will judge it. But it’s more important for me to be authentic and as faithful to Jesus as he is to me, than it is important for me to be safe from people’s judgments. And it’s ok if you think I’m weird. I have to be true to my experiences and convictions and to the Jesus I know who saves people from hopelessness and loneliness and darkness and addiction and gives love and light and purpose and meaning.
That’s all 🙂
Okay, that’s actually not quite all at all. I have so many more thoughts and feelings on this. But… that’s all I’ll write here 🙂